Sleep Strategies When You're Always On Call

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You know that feeling when your head finally hits the pillow, but your ears are still listening? When you're exhausted but can't quite let go because you need to be ready if she calls out? You're not alone—and you're not stuck with sleepless nights forever.

I want to talk about something we don't discuss enough: you're tired. Not just "need a cup of coffee" tired—bone-deep, can't-think-straight, snap-at-the-TV-remote exhausted. And it's not getting better because you're essentially on a 24-hour shift that never ends.

Here's what I know: You can't pour from an empty cup, and right now, your cup is running on fumes. The irony is that the worse you sleep, the harder it becomes to provide the quality care you want to give. You already know this. What you need are actual strategies that work when you're caring for someone with dementia who might wake up confused, frightened, or wandering at 2 a.m.

This isn't about achieving perfect sleep—that ship has sailed. This is about getting enough sleep to function, stay healthy, and remain the steady presence your loved one needs. Let's figure this out together.

Understanding Why Sleep Is Different Now

You used to sleep just fine. Now you're sleeping with one eye open—literally and figuratively. That's because you've shifted from being a husband or partner to being a caregiver who's always on duty. Your brain knows this, even when you're exhausted, and it won't fully power down.

This isn't weakness. This is your protective instinct in overdrive. But here's the hard truth: if you don't sleep, your health will deteriorate, your patience will fray, and your ability to provide care will diminish. You matter in this equation too.

Creating a Realistic Sleep Foundation

Accept that your sleep won't look like it used to. You're not going to get eight uninterrupted hours right now. Instead, aim for what sleep experts call "core sleep"—about 5-6 hours of deeper rest, supplemented by short naps when possible. It's not ideal, but it's workable.

Set a target bedtime and stick to it. I know—there's always one more thing to do. But if you stay up until midnight checking locks and tomorrow's medications, then wake at 2 a.m. and 5 a.m. to help her to the bathroom, you're running on three hours of broken sleep. That's not sustainable. Pick a bedtime (say, 10 p.m.) and honor it like you would an important appointment.

Make your bedroom as restful as possible. Even small changes help: blackout curtains, a fan for white noise, comfortable temperature. You might feel guilty making your space comfortable, but you're not being selfish—you're being strategic.

Installing Your Safety Net

Here's where practical problem-solving meets peace of mind. You can't rest if you're worried about her safety. So let's address that directly:

Use monitoring technology. A baby monitor or video monitor lets you hear if she wakes without you lying there straining to listen. There are also bed alarms, motion sensors for doorways, and smart watches that alert you to movement. These aren't admitting defeat—they're allowing you to actually close your eyes.

Secure the environment before bed. Do a quick safety check each night: doors secured, stove off, medications put away, nightlights in place. Make it a 5-minute routine. Once it's done, it's done, and you can let it go mentally.

Consider a bedside toilet or commode. I know this feels like a big step. But if nighttime bathroom trips are happening multiple times, having a commode nearby can reduce the physical demand on both of you and get you both back to sleep faster.

The Power Nap Strategy

Since uninterrupted night sleep is tough, you need to become strategic about daytime rest. I'm not talking about collapsing on the couch in exhaustion—I'm talking about planned, purposeful rest.

The 20-minute reset. When she's settled after lunch or engaged with a daytime program, set a timer for 20 minutes. That's long enough to restore some energy without leaving you groggy. Lie down somewhere comfortable. Put on an eye mask. Let yourself drift.

Don't fight afternoon fatigue. If you hit a wall around 2 p.m., your body is telling you something. Brief rest now prevents complete burnout later. Think of it as preventive maintenance.

Ask for help during nap windows. If a family member, neighbor, or paid caregiver can be there even for an hour, use that time to truly rest—not to run errands or catch up on chores. Your body needs this.

Managing the Night Shift

You're going to have interrupted nights. That's reality. But you can make them less destructive to your sleep:

Use dim red lights for nighttime navigation. Regular lights tell your brain "it's morning!" Red or amber night lights let you help her without fully waking yourself up. You can get back to sleep much faster.

Keep a simple nighttime routine. Whatever the need is—bathroom, water, reassurance—handle it calmly and quietly with minimal talking. You're going for efficiency, not conversation. Then both of you return to bed immediately.

Have everything you need within reach. Water, tissues, extra pajamas, medication—whatever typically comes up at night should be accessible without you having to think or search. The less you have to fully wake up and problem-solve, the better.

When You Need to Call in Reinforcements

There's no medal for destroying your health through sleep deprivation. Here are signs you need to make changes now:

• You're nodding off while driving

• You can't remember simple conversations or tasks

• You're getting sick frequently

• You're emotionally volatile or numb

• You're having accidents or near-misses due to fatigue

At this point, you need help. That might mean:

Hiring overnight help (even once or twice a week gives you crucial recovery nights)

Adult day programs (so you can nap while she's engaged elsewhere during the day)

Asking family to take night duty when they visit

Talking to her doctor about sleep medications if she's waking frequently in confusion

This isn't giving up. This is adjusting your strategy so you can continue providing care.

Look, I'm not going to tell you this is easy. You're dealing with one of the hardest aspects of caregiving—the relentless demand that never lets up, day or night. But I need you to hear this: You taking care of yourself isn't optional. It's essential.

You can't be the steady, patient, capable man you want to be if you're running on empty. The strategies above aren't luxuries—they're necessities. Your sleep matters. Your health matters. You matter.

Start with one thing from this list. Just one. Maybe it's setting up that monitor tonight. Maybe it's committing to a 20-minute afternoon rest tomorrow. Small steps, consistently applied, add up to real change.

You've got this. And you don't have to do it perfectly—you just have to do it.

Your Action Plan This Week

Today:

1. Choose ONE monitoring solution to research or purchase (baby monitor, bed alarm, or motion sensor)

2. Do a 5-minute bedroom safety check before bed tonight and make it your new routine

3. Set a consistent bedtime for yourself—and actually go to bed at that time

This Week:

1. Take at least two 20-minute intentional rest periods during daytime hours

2. Install red or amber nightlights in bathroom and hallways

3. Create a "night station" by your bed with everything you typically need during nighttime waking

This Month:

1. Have an honest conversation with at least one person about getting coverage so you can have one full night of uninterrupted sleep

2. Talk to her doctor if nighttime confusion or wandering is happening more than twice per night

3. Investigate local resources (adult day programs, respite care, overnight help options)

Remember: You're not being selfish by prioritizing sleep. You're being smart. She needs you to be rested, healthy, and present—not exhausted and running on empty.

You're doing important work. Take care of yourself so you can keep doing it.

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