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They don't get it, do they? Your siblings think you're overreacting. Your adult children keep suggesting solutions that show they haven't spent a full day in your shoes. And meanwhile, you're the one managing medications, handling the challenging behaviors, and watching the person you love slip away—day after day, hour after hour.

You're not imagining the disconnect. And you're definitely not alone.

When you're caring for someone with dementia, one of the most painful surprises can be how little your own family seems to understand what you're actually doing. The siblings who drop by for an hour and think everything looks fine. The adult children who offer advice from three states away. The relatives who still ask your loved one complex questions or get frustrated when they repeat the same story for the tenth time.

Here's the truth: they're not seeing what you're seeing because they're not living what you're living. And that gap—between your daily reality and their occasional glimpses—can leave you feeling isolated, unappreciated, and sometimes downright angry.

But there are ways to bridge this divide. Let's talk about how to help your family understand your role, share the load more fairly, and get the support you need and deserve.

Why They Don't See What You See

Your family isn't being deliberately blind or uncaring (most of the time, anyway). Dementia is what experts call "an invisible disease" in its earlier and middle stages. Your loved one might seem relatively "normal" during short visits—they can often hold it together for an hour or two, especially with familiar faces. It's afterward, or in the daily grind, where the real challenges emerge.

You're also likely doing what all good caregivers do: you're compensating, covering, smoothing things over. You've learned to finish their sentences, redirect confusing moments, and manage situations so seamlessly that others don't realize how much you're actually managing.

The result? Your family sees a version of reality that's been filtered through your constant effort—but they don't see the effort itself.

The Conversation They Need to Hear

It's time to have an honest conversation with your siblings and children, but not in the heat of a crisis moment. Pick a time when everyone can focus, and consider these approaches:

Be specific, not general. Don't just say "it's hard" or "I need help." That's too vague. Instead, describe your actual day: "I wake up three times a night because Mom wanders. Then I spend two hours each morning helping with bathing and dressing, which used to take ten minutes. By noon, I've already answered the same question forty times."

Use concrete examples that show the change. "Remember how Dad used to handle all the finances? Now I have to make sure he doesn't throw away bills or order things online he doesn't need. Last week alone, I had to cancel three duplicate orders."

Acknowledge what they don't see. "When you visit on Sunday afternoons, Mom seems pretty good, right? That's because Sunday is our best day. You're not here Tuesday mornings when she doesn't recognize our bedroom, or Thursday evenings when she thinks she needs to go pick up her mother."

Share the emotional weight, not just the tasks. "The hardest part isn't the physical work—it's watching him forget our life together. It's being needed every moment while also grieving the partner I used to have."

Creating Practical Ways for Them to Help

Once your family begins to understand the scope of your role, they need clear, specific ways to contribute. Vague offers of "let me know if you need anything" rarely translate into actual help.

Make a list of specific tasks that others can take on—and I mean specific. Not "help with Dad," but "take Dad to his Tuesday afternoon doctor's appointments" or "come every Saturday from 10-2 so I can leave the house" or "call Mom every evening at 7 to chat for 20 minutes so I can take a shower and decompress."

Set up a family information hub. Use a shared document, email chain, or family app where you post updates about your loved one's condition, upcoming appointments, and current challenges. This keeps everyone informed without you having to repeat yourself constantly.

Invite them into your world—literally. Ask a sibling or adult child to spend 48 hours with you, shadowing everything you do. Nothing creates understanding like direct experience. They need to see the 2 AM wake-ups, the medication routines, the repetitive questions, the confusion, the resistance to basic care.

Assign specific people specific roles. One sibling handles medical research and doctor questions. Another manages financial paperwork. An adult child coordinates respite care options. When everyone has a clear responsibility, it's harder for tasks to fall back on you by default.

When Family Still Doesn't Step Up

Let's be honest: even after you've explained everything clearly, some family members still won't get it or won't help. This is one of the most painful aspects of caregiving—feeling abandoned by the people who should have your back.

If this happens, you have to make some hard decisions:

Accept that you can't force understanding or help. You can inform, request, and even insist—but ultimately, people make their own choices about involvement. Continuing to bang your head against that wall only drains your limited energy.

Seek support outside the family. Join a support group (preferably one for male caregivers where you won't be the only guy in the room). Connect with other caregivers online. Find a local caregiving coordinator or social worker who can help you access resources.

Set boundaries about criticism. If family members who aren't helping want to criticize your decisions, you have every right to say: "I appreciate your concern, but unless you're here managing this daily, I need you to trust my judgment." It's necessary, not rude.

Don't wait for a crisis to get professional help. Whether it's hiring in-home care a few hours a week, arranging adult day programs, or exploring respite care options, bringing in outside support is a smart strategy.

Getting your family to understand your caregiving role isn't about winning an argument or proving how hard you work. It's about building a support system that allows you to provide better care for your loved one while maintaining your own health and sanity.

Some family members will step up once they truly understand. Others won't, and you'll have to accept that painful reality and find support elsewhere. Either way, you deserve to be seen, heard, and supported in what you're doing.

Asking for help isn't weakness. Educating your family isn't complaining. Setting boundaries isn't selfishness. These are all essential skills for sustainable caregiving—and you've got to put them into practice if you're going to survive this journey with your health and relationships intact.

Your Action Plan This Week

Here's what to do in the next seven days:

1. Schedule a family meeting (in person or video call) specifically to discuss caregiving responsibilities. Send a brief agenda beforehand so people know this is serious.

2. Write down your typical day from morning to night, including all caregiving tasks, time spent, and challenges faced. Bring this to the family meeting or send it to key family members.

3. Create a specific help list with at least 10 concrete tasks that others could take on. Include one-time tasks (researching memory care facilities) and ongoing commitments (weekly respite time).

4. Set up one accountability system—whether it's a shared calendar, group chat, or monthly family check-in to keep everyone informed and involved.

5. Research one outside support option you could access this month: a local caregiver support group, respite care service, or online community specifically for male caregivers.

You didn't sign up to do this alone. It's time to make sure you're not.

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